- The world and He -

24th August: The birth of a new era in my life. Some moments cherished with him, few struggles won and finally the real moment of being together and forever.

The few things that can't be expressed ... how little things about him attracts me the most:

 1) The way he explains me all the "physics" stuff (though hardly something penetrate into my dull brain :P)

2) The way he handles my stupidity.

3) The way he corrects my English pronunciation.

 4) The way he teaches me Hindi and corrects my Bengali-touched Hindi.

 5) The way he tolerates my typical Bengali habits.

6) The way he looks up to me.

 7) The way he cares for me.

8) The way he says "Miss ya.."

9) The way he dedicates songs to me.

10) The way we wish each other Good morning or Good Night as if morning won't start with his wish or the night wont be peaceful without the wish.

11) The way he looked into my eyes in Mani Square.

12) His childhood pictures ... (most cutest thing ever)

- New Era begins-

Life is a serious temptation sometimes. It lures me time and again. The moment I start thinking with my brain, it compels me to start thinking with my heart. 

This time the temptation for love.

He loved me truly, deeply perhaps purely. I was so blind to see it, so dump to understand it and so selfish to accept it.

When I loved a person life gave me a serious whip lash to make me realize what a big mistake I did. 

But right now the very thing going through my mind is that -

Will he give me a 2nd chance?

Will I be able to treat life smoothly?

Do I deserve to be loved by him?

Indeed I think so much, as many mistakes I did. I was waiting for a new start, a new beginning, a new era and foremost someone whom I can call 'mine' forever. With whom my purity of love, trust and care can grow to eternity.

I spoke a 1000 times that love (in my life) always played a role as a curse. But who knows, may be, God is writing a better love story for me this time. May be He is blessing me this time. 

I'm so very fickle every time. This time its serious love. Getting betrayed which I am tired of, heap of lies and fake promises too. But, don't know how I can read the purity in his eyes. I had never done anything to him that he could trust me but he always stood by me.

Evolving the love - If someone ask me now, what is love to you? I'll blankly look at him. He makes me feel like a princess (although no fairytale are attached) :P

I would be dishonest to myself, if I would say that I'm not curious to know what he wrote in the long note for me on his way back journey to Ajmer. I will be meeting him soon for a movie. I hope I get back whatever I lost one day. Even if I don't, the unconditional love stays forever...

- Searching myself -

I am used to the back-stab.I am used to the lies spoken to me. I am used to feel lonely. I am used to wait fro a new beginning.

But I am NOT used to shed tears.

We, Teenagers, fall in love, get betrayed, cry a million tears and then go back to our usual state. Then again, we carry out the same mistakes again and again till our hearts gets tired to the word called "Love". Ain't it?

We complicate, We compromise, We suffer yet we crave. Love being the biggest curse in my life took the 80% of my peace of mind. Yet I feel I need someone. Oh Jesus! How fickle I am! There is a peculiar thing about my sun sign that says:

The most mystical of the signs and the Pisces girl is aware that an Invisible  world, as a girl she can often feel over-burdened of the restrictions and responsibilities of the practical realities of the life.

The moment I saw this, I smiled back at me. How true this works for me!  
One part of me still tries to convince me that "Prince riding on white horse won't come" ever, but the other part still awaits. I am always fighting and justifying with myself.

From the piles of questions and answers, from the piles of ambiguity and tolerance I search myself, I seek myself and I reform myself. How difficult a journey it is when there is nobody to travel with you, when nobody is there to hold you when you fall and how equally ironic it is when someone is there always for you and you never recognize him. How unjustifiable I am! The search continues ...

- Chained in a dungeon -

I miss those days when I myself ruled my life. But now, my thoughts - thoughts of deception by others rules my mind. Not a single moment I am relaxed, my mind is always pacing and inquisitive.
Why am I restless?
Why am I deceived?
Why am I a victim of deception?
Answers are here -
May be because I trust people easily.
May be because I can be easily entrapped by the emotional words and moved by feeling.
May be because I still have faith in this cruel world who whips me every time to compel me to believe in the truth - the dirty truth of  darkness.

I still struggle to break-free of the thoughts that sometimes makes me insane - and take me to the unbearable state of insanity.
As if someone chained me in a dungeon. As if years I haven't seen sunlight. As if years I haven't spoke to someone or laughed care-free. 
I struggle, scream my lungs out, cry with my tears to disentangle myself from these thoughts, as if I am running away from my own silhouette.
But how far?
How far can a person run from his own shadow?
How far you deceive yourself? How far you can struggle, scream and cry?
One day or the other you are going to give up or bow down or plead for the peace of your own mind.
Struggle wasn't on my mind every-time, all I want is a peaceful state of my mind. It feels as if I am raging a war against myself. I justify and argue, I blame and appreciate and also struggle with myself.
I wonder sometimes, what am I trying to figure out?
The answers of my deception by others? No.
I try to figure out where I went wrong?
Why am I the sufferer? May be because I was once the person tormentor.
But I penalized each and every mistake of myself, rather, whipped myself to bear all the pain pre-arranged to me. Yes, I did suffered in the dungeon of insanity. My struggle, my compulsion and my war failed to break-free me.

So, still now why I am enclosed in the dungeon. I have stopped yelling(probably I have left the hope that someone will listen to me), crying (probably the tears are all dried up) and struggling (probably my hands are numb now). The self-made prison have made me quiet - and sucked up all my feelings & strengths, left me with numbness and darkness. I am alive, but I don't have the desire to love or to-be loved or even unlock myself from this dungeon.

I keep pacing the way life leads me to. I certainly moved on but destined nowhere. My studies surely improved but I lost the happiness of success. I surely approved my self-torment. The torment which can't cause any harm to a numb body. Now, I only desire to reach a safer destination of the materialistic world i.e. be a lawyer and engage myself in sorts of so-called busy schedule. So, I don't need to feel the everlasting pain to lived in the dungeon forever.

 

- Childhood I left behind -

Who don't miss his/her childhood? Yeah, everyone does. So, I am. Several large meadows, the vast river Ganges, more than 100quarters, numerous friends, a little school, carefree thoughts roaming around and a worthy life to live for! The area was about 2km of radius, even beyond my limit of joy. The childhood was better and even growing up was even better.

Sometimes, I remember the old "Salomi" stilled in the silver frame, or the lively smile on my pink lips. The eyes (though hazy) still lighten and cheerful. I lived in the world of fairies, princesses, castle and magical powers. Oh! How I love them! The illusion which is nothing more than innocence. Dreams nothing more than contentment. Friends nothing more than life.



       7 things I loved in my childhood:

• Playing with friends.
• Enjoying a quality time with parents.
• Watching Barbie movies
• Fighting with my brother.
• Having phuchka.
• Reading fairytales.
• Drawing and painting.

      Now, these things has changed in a different way in my life, even adding a little to it: 

•  Friends, are no more trusted ( be it a girl or a boy). Who knows what's n their heart? Jealousy, back stab and revenge are always high on minds. So, I prefer to be alone, being with just few friends, whom I still call them my life.
• I hardly get time for parents, I hardly get to share my thoughts, (Sometimes, such thoughts cloud your minds that you can't even share.  
• Now, the barbie movies converted into the mainstream "Bollywood" movies starring any new "hot" pair or some catchy script or just watching for the sake of flat entertainment.
• I miss this part badly, very badly! He shifted to Ranchi for job purposes and I got busy with intellectual books. I miss calling him 'nerd', 'jerk' and 'hunk' (yes! you read it right ;). We hardly speak over phone, sometimes, talk about 'no interesting' issues too. in short, 'I miss him'
• I hardly get time to get out of the house, or  it is something I don't wish too.The silent walls of my secret solitude compel me to stay bounded. Yes, once again, I miss treating myself lavishly.
• Life compelled to in all ways to make me realize that there's no 'fairy tales'. There's no 'Prince gonna come on white horse' love story ever exist. So, I swim across the terrible thoughts and so-called facts to search for a place for myself. 
• Yes, I left my canvas. I left coloring my dreams as well. I always try to keep pace with this fast-moving world with fast-flowing people, yelling at you every-time to go and 'prove' your worth.

Childhood was the best thing that can ever happen to you. You love to be with your parents and share the pain. But now, I hide every pain from them. You stay with them under the same roof yet you go far away from them, spiritually.
When you look back at the memories, I don't visualize the snaps in a complicated manner but indeed the past looks complicated. (Who knows, how!).